3.Ø9
Spacetime: 97341.7.672
“‘old tight, professuh! We’re a’most there!”
The wind screamed in Muddle’s ears. He clung tightly to the plucky kid who was piloting their broomstick. Larry Punter, known to billions as “the Chosen One,” skillfully dodged the spells that the Deadbeaters were casting at he and Muddle.
Punter yanked his broom to the right and nearly collided with Shelioney Grandeur. Shelioney was transporting Sian on her broom. Instead of clinging to her pilot in terror, Sian had drawn her phraser and was, Annie Oakley-style, picking off Deadbeaters one by one, “Get! A life! You! Dopey! Yobbos!”
Shelioney shouted, “Oi, Larry!” and then zipped above Punter to avoid a Cruciatus air mine. Sian blasted the air mine and took out three Deadbeaters when it detonated in their path.
Zooming to Punter’s left, Shelioney cried, “Larry! Sian and I are going to draw off as many Deadbeaters as we can. Will you and the professor be okay?”
“No problem!” Punter scanned the surrounding airspace, “Any sign of Ron?”
Before Shelioney could answer, Ron Weirdly streaked by. Ron was unable to maintain a steady course because Rudyard had wrapped both arms tightly around his head. Ron yowled, “Grab me 'round the waist ya’ silly cow. Gerrof me bleedin’ ‘ead!”
Shelioney’s and Punter’s eyes met. Each barked, “Ron’s wi’ you!!”
Without further comment, Shelioney peeled off toward St. Phil’s Cathedral. As she hoped a squad of Deadbeaters clung tight to her vapor trail. Punter cursed. Ron and Rudyard lurched in front of him like a plane without a flight plan. Punter called to Muddle, “Professor! Snag Ron’s sleeve as we fly by and I’ll guide him to the Observatree.”
Larry sped forward and Muddle caught hold of Ron’s forearm. Weirdly bawled, “Aww, bugger! Not you, too!” Muddle shouted Punter’s plan at Ron who, having little alternative, assented. “If this silly sod…” He elbowed Rudyard’s ribs, “...would leave off we’d be all bangers and mash, wouldn’t we?”
Ron’s elbow made Rudyard’s eyes flutter. Seeing what lay ahead, the PI cried, “Aaaagghhh!! Just when I think it can’t get any worse…!!” The PI thrust a finger toward a scene straight out of a Boschian nightmare.
Dead ahead, a battle was raging next to a large brick building. The building was topped by an array of old-style observatory domes. Three fire-breathing dragons circled above, while astride a magnificent pegasus, Gellie held them at bay. The dragons were doing their best to incinerate the Observatory, but Gellie would have none of it. Each time one of the firedrakes drew breath, Gellie would clout its snout with a bloody great shillelagh and, thereby, drive the flames up and away from the Observatory. As one might expect, the dragons grew hotter and angrier with each embarrassing misfire.
Down below, Ubie was locked in a deathmatch with the creepiest critter Muddle had ever seen. Ubie’s opponent was bald and wore a long, black wizard’s cloak over his luminous green skin. By far, Mr. Green’s freakiest feature was a snub nose that was better suited for a puff adder than a person.
“Hey!” Rudyard shouted as they drew near, “Is that Shatspeare?”
“Shatspeare!? You mean the snake charmer?” Muddle squawked, “Are you nuts? That guy looks more like a homicidal glowstick than Shatspeare.”
“ ‘is name’s not Shatspeare,” Punter clawed at a jagged scar on his forehead, “...it’s Moldibarf! The darkest dark wizard oo’s ever lived.”
“Mind yer tongue, Larry!” Weirdly bawled, “You musn’t say ‘is name! ‘Ow many times must I….?”
“Dark wizard…?” Rudyard frowned, “...then why’s he so pale?”
“Ach…” Punter snorted, “...yer missin’ the point…”
“So…” Muddle shouted into Punter’s ear, “...what’s the plan?”
Before he could answer, Punter dived to the right. A searing spout of flame scorched the air behind them.
“Hey!” Gellie whisked over their heads, “You guys are just in time!” Keeping one eye on the dragons, Gellie circled back, “Ubie could use a hand. That creep she’s fighting...” Gellie sneered at Moldibarf, “...doesn’t play fair. He’s got a watch that’s even more powerful than yours, Max!”
“What…!?” Muddle choked, “...a watch...like mine…?”
Moldibarf was locked in a standoff with Ubie. Sure enough, Muddle spotted the pocket watch draped around Moldibarf’s neck. The wizard was hurling every incantation in his repertoire at Ubie. The combined energy of the watch and the wizard’s wand were sapping the last of Ubie’s stamina.
“There!” Muddle roared, “Take me over there!”
Having no better plan in mind, Punter swooped low over the combatants. As he tugged his broom out of its dive, Punter felt Muddle slip off the back. He cried, “No, professor!” Fearing for the frail old professor Larry yanked his broom into an inertia-defying U-turn. As Punter came around, instead of seeing Muddle fall like a stone, The Chosen One was astounded to see a supercharged version of his former passenger.
As he plummeted toward certain death, Muddle’s mind went blank. Without consciously controlling the process, Muddle raised both arms above his head. For reasons unknown, Muddle’s golden wristbands were back! The professor cracked his wrists together and, as before, Muddle transformed from a mild-mannered history prof into the baddest Sorcerer Supreme in the Mudville Universe. With eyes aflame, Dr. Strangelove arrested his freefall and conjured a pair of flaming orange battle shields.
Pummeled by the combined power of Moldibarf’s One Watch and the Eldar Wand, Ubie finally cracked. Her reserves of energy exhausted, Ubie sank to one knee.
“Hisss-isss,” Moldibarf sissed, “Thankss for the target practice, misssy. I needed to knock the dussst off of thisss…” He caressed the Eldar Wand, “...lovely...old inssstrument. Hisss-isss!”
“Heh-heh…” Ubie swiped a trickle of blood from her mouth, “Sure, Barfie...go ahead and play with your toys...while I...”
Bracing herself for the deathblow, Ubie decided that, if this was to be her swansong, she would go out like a warrior. Uber Woman pounded a fist on her sternum and then, through sheer force of will, rose to her feet. Ubie spat a gout of blood on the scorched grass and then signaled for Moldibarf to come and get her.
If he had eyebrows to raise, they would have vaulted off of Moldibarf’s forehead. Who wass thiss woman? No one in their right mind would taunt Moldibarf. No one!! The dark wizard hissed, “You will pay for your inssolence, misssy!” Moldibarf decided that Ubie’s punishment would be incineration. The dark lord would hit her with a double-dose of mystical energy from the Elder Wand and his One Watch. That, Moldibarf figured, should be enough to fire-roast every organic particle in Ubie’s superhuman body. Hisss-isss! Thiss wass going to be fun!!
The dark lord closed his eyes and summoned the full power of his combined weapons. The One Watch and Eldar Wand erupted into flame. It was a blue flame that intensified the heft and potency of both weapons.
So convinced was Moldibarf of his supremacy that he never imagined the combined power of the weapons he wielded might be more than he, the GOAT of dark wizards, could control. For the second time in as many blippets, Moldibarf made a fateful miscalculation.
Moldibarf’s moment of triumph began to sour when the blue flames raging through the Elder Wand began to scorch his own flesh. The jubilant words, “Nah-vada Kadabra!” were ripped from the Dark Lord’s throat and replaced with a strangling noise, “Aaaccgghh!!” Instead of emitting a murderous curse, the Elder Wand’s blue flames raced up Moldibarf’s arm and surged into the One Watch.
Moldibarf screamed as he erupted into a towering pillar of blue flame. Without being told to do so, Moldie’s One Watch directed a crackling, blue laser beam at Ubie. The beam would have vaporized Ubie if Strangelove had not dropped in front of her and commanded the One Watch to absorb the laser.
Although it did not vaporize Strangelove, the beam of hyper-charged laser light overwhelmed the Sorcerer Supreme just as it had Moldibarf. Unable to resist, the watches began dragging the insensible combatants toward each other.
“Oh, no!! Larry Punter whizzed by overhead, “It’s a horcrux!!” He signaled to Gellie, Ron, and Rudyard, “We’ve got to destroy it!!” Then, without another thought, Potter dive-bombed Moldibarf. Hoping that he might break the connection between Moldibarf and Strangelove, the brave young wizard aimed his broom directly at Moldibarf's torso. Potter collided with Moldibarf head on and, for one hopeful moment, the energy link connecting the wizards sputtered like a bug zapper after it toasted a June bug. But then Punter was thrown clear and the energy link redoubled in intensity.
“Larry!!” Ron screamed as he and Rudyard landed next to Punter. Weirdly checked on Punter while Rudyard raced to Ubie’s side. Uber Woman was battered and bruised, but she had gotten the reprieve she needed and was eager to get back in the fight.
“Oh, Larry! Oh, no, no!!” The report from Ron was not as optimistic.
Hearing the distress in Ron’s voice, Gellie broke off her battle with the dragons and streaked down to Punter’s side. When she hit the ground, Gellie hopped off the pegasus and shouted to Ubie, “Keep an eye on the dragons while I check on Larry. Okay?” Then she took hold of the fallen wizard’s hand.
Ubie lifted her eyes. Expecting to see three angry dragons bearing down on her, she was pleasantly surprised to see a squadron of Deadbeaters filling the airspace overhead.
“Yay! It’s Shelioney and Sian!” Rudyard cheered, “Just in the nick of time.”
Shelioney twisted and twirled a complex series of figure eights above the Observatory. When the Deadbeaters and dragons were knotted into hopelessly confused flight patterns, Shelioney dove down to the battle scene. Sian fired a few more phraser blasts into the Deadbeater demolition derby for good measure.
There was no time for greetings when Sian and Shelioney hit the ground. All were relieved to see Larry’s eyes flutter in response to Gellie’s charmed healing techniques. Acting on the same impulse as Potter, Sian’s first thought was to yank Strangelove free from the energy vortex in which he and Moldibarf were trapped.
“No!” Ubie held Sian back, “I know what to do.”
Quick as she could, Ubie explained that she believed Moldibarf’s pocket watch was a Time Cheater. “Instead of pulling Strangelove free, we need to help him connect with Barfie’s watch. The moment he touches the Time Cheater, we should be able to transport safely away.”
“But…!” Shelioney warned, “...if it’s a Horcrux, touching Moldibarf’s One Watch could kill you!”
Sian dismissed the danger, “It’s a risk I’ll have to take.”
Ubie frowned, “What do you mean, it’s a risk you’ll have to take?”
“I agree, Captain!” Before Sian could pull rank, Rudyard reminded her, “We’re a team, so we’ll all go together.”
“Okay!” There was no time to argue. Sian addressed Shelioney, “You and the guys stand clear. If our plan backfires, we’ll need someone here to deal with the mess we leave behind. Okay?”
Shelioney nodded, “No problem.”
Screaming to be heard above the crackling energy field, Sian huddled with her team, “We need to remain in contact each step of the way. We’re strongest when we stick together. Okay?” Nods all around. “On the count of three, I-, uhh…” A flicker of annoyance flashed across Sian’s features, but she pushed it aside, “...I’ll grab Muddle and we’ll guide him to the Time Cheater. Got it?”
Nods.
The FF bid adieu to their comrades from the Hogwash School of Bewitchery, locked arms and awaited Sian’s countdown.
Three...two...one…!
The FF locked together and then Sian clutched Muddle’s shoulders. Instantly, a torrent of blue energy transformed every nerve ending in each member of the Funtastic Five into a screaming cauldron of agony. Their goal was to muscle Muddle toward Moldibarf’s Time Cheater, but there was no way. The pain was too overwhelming. They hurt too much to think or move. It was impossible.
But then, against all expectations, something happened. There was movement. It was...impossible...and yet it was happening. Little by little, the FF were moving.
Somehow, when all hope was lost, Rudyard...YES, RUDYARD!!...found a way. He could never have done it on his own, and he would never have tried it for himself. But when his friends needed him most, Rudyard rose to the challenge.
Millimeter by millimeter, Rudyard nudged his friends forward. One herculean effort after another, the PI forged ahead relentlessly.
Though it seemed to take an eternity, after one final excruciating thrust, Rudyard heard something. Was it the soft ping of contact between one watch face and another? Could it be?!
Then suddenly, the interdimensional transition started to happen. Rudyard felt a moment of bliss that was shattered by the sound of wicked, disengaged laughter.
“Hiss-isss!! Fooolss! You have ssealed your doom! Hiss-isss!! That watch was not a Horcrux...Hiss-isss!! It was a portkey!!!”
Meanwhile…
“Well, I’ll be darned!” Uranus Blowhard gaped at the team of superheroes who had just port-keyed into the Oval Office, “As usual, Igor, you were right…” Blowhard patted the weasel’s little head, “They've come to us!!”
3.Ø𐏕
Spacetime: 97341.7.678
“Did you fools really think…” Blowhard cackled, “...that you were running anywhere except straight into my arms?”
The Funtastic Five glared at Uranus Blowhard across his Oval Office desk.
Acting as if he wasn’t being overheard, Blowhard spoke to Igor, “These Earthlings slay me. They boast of being intelligent, but when they encounter a truly superior intellect…”
“Like Yoo-anuz?” Lutin offered.
“Exactly…” Blowhard sighed, “...they are like rats in a maze. But that’s how it goes. You see? It is the orange man’s burden to be…”
“...a bloated, self-serving jackass?” Ubie could not contain herself, "Well, I have news for you, U-Anus. Gellie and I happen to work for the smartest, most powerful being in the infiniverse and SHE…” Ubie savored the moment, “...asked us to deliver a message.”
“What?” Blowhard seemed genuinely mystified, “SHE? Bah! There is no woman who is stronger than me!”
“Hold that thought, you Anus!” As if by magic, Gellie produced a postcard and skimmed it across Blowhard’s desk.
Huffily, Blowhard snatched up the postcard. The picture was a closeup of the Statue of Liberty that contained the greeting, “A special message from Amerrica’s First Lady!”
Being a serial adulterer, Blowhard found the reference to a ‘First Lady’ confusing. Seeking enlightenment, Blowhard flipped the card over and examined its handwritten message.
It was a brief message, but Blowhard’s jowls began to shake even before he read the signoff. The orange splodge erupted from his chair and roared, “What is the meaning of this!?!”
“Vat ees problem…?” Lutin had rarely seen Blowhard get so angry. When the rodent reached for the postcard, Blowhard backhanded him savagely. The blow literally knocked the weasel off of his feet. When Lutin hit the floor, he squeaked like a guinea pig and then scuttled under an armchair.
Blowhard flung the postcard back at Gellie, “Who is responsible for this outrage?” Since Blowhard wasn’t much of an athlete the postcard fluttered halfway across his desk and then landed face down.
Bold handwritten letters conveyed the card’s brief, but momentous message,
Dear Uranus,
YOU’RE FIRED!
- LL
“Here’s what I think of your postcard,” Blowhard spat on the floor. Then he extended a hand toward Muddle and snarled, “Gimme those watches.”
“I’m afraid…” As ever, Muddle wore the One Watch around his neck, while he held Moldibarf’s portkey in his hands, “...it isn’t going to be that simple.”
“Oh, really? Is that what you think?” Without changing expression, Blowhard pushed a buzzer on his desk and barked, “Send in my armed guard.”
A moment later the Oval Office door swung wide and in marched Edward Snowjob toting his trusty toilet plunger. “Don’t worry boss…” Snowjob saluted, “...I’ll have your toidy unclogged in no time...”
“About face, soldier,” Blowhard snapped, “You can plunge the toidy later. Right now, I need you to relieve this man of his watches…” Blowhard pointed at Muddle, “...and bring them to me.”
Snowjob made it a point to ignore the menageries of bizarre characters who dropped in on Blowhard. Hear no evil, see no evil...ain’t that right Edfart? When Snowjob took his first look at today’s throng of misfits he turned an even whiter shade of coward, “You...want me to...to…?” Snowjob gulped audibly.
“Before we go there…” Ubie motioned for Snowjob to stay put, “...Gellie and I have another message from our Employer.”
“Who do you mean?” Blowhard sneered, “The wench who’s sending me love letters from Ellis Island?”
“Believe it or not…” Ubie refused to take Blowhard’s bait, “...everything we’re doing today has happened countless times before, and it has always ended badly, but today it doesn’t have to.”
“So, I guess that means…” Blowhard pursed his lips and made repulsive kissing sounds, “...you’re hoping I won’t dump you this time, sweet cheeks?”
“No, you lummox!” Rudyard was feeling his oats ever since he had single-handedly vanquished Moldibarf, “It means that when you try to replace all life in the cosmos with cockroaches, you will destroy the Infiniverse because the One Watch is too powerful for any single being to wield!”
“What do you take me for?” Blowhard gestured at Mudde, “That dope’s wearing the One Watch and he’s no prizefighter.”
“That’s because…” Sian broke in, “...the One Watch has chosen Muddle to be its bearer. Max carries the Watch, but he hasn’t claimed it. If he tried to we'd all be in big trouble.”
“Fascin-...!” Rudyard bit his tongue.
“So that poor slob…” Blowhard jeered at Muddle, “...is packing the most powerful weapon in the Infiniverse, but he refuses to wield it.” Blowhard appealed to the heavens, “Billions of years of evolution, and this is the best they can do?” His patience at an end, Blowhard snapped, “Edfart! Get the watches and bring them to me this instant!”
Before Snowjob could take a step, Muddle spoke up, “There’s another problem.” Muddle tried to lift the One Watch over his head. As usual, the watch chain snaked tightly around Muddle’s neck, “The One Watch has a mind of its own. If I try to remove it, the watch won’t allow it.”
There was a flash of movement behind Muddle. Brandishing the glaive, Igor cried, “Den I feex!!!”
Muddle did not see the attack coming, but someone else did. Before the little weasel could plunge the disemboweling blade into Muddle’s back, Sian threw herself in front of Lutin. Sian never had a chance. The laser-edged glaive sliced right through Sian’s heart and then continued its journey until it exited Muddle’s sternum.
Exhuberant about skewering two victims for the price of one, Lutin emitted a shrieky squeal of triumph, “Tek zett, en zett yoo tretters uff Yoo-Anus!!”
Shocked to the core, Gellie and Ubie blanched. Reflexively, they both moved toward their wounded comrades, but Rudyard held them back. “Remember!” The PI quavered, “This is the way it has to end. By striking them down Blowhard has made them stronger than he could possibly imagine!”
Lutin prepared to withdraw the glaive from his victims, but before he could, Sian and Muddle evaporated. Emptied of content, Sian and Muddle’s garments fluttered to the ground. The watches and Sian's phraser hit the floor with hefty CLUNKs.
Suspiciously, Lutin trod on the garments to be sure that no trace of his hated enemies remained.
Blowhard barked at Lutin, “Bring me those dratted watches, Igor! Quickly!!”
Lutin reached for the watches. But before he could snag them, two small bumps began to hop and flutter beneath the unitards. Startled, Lutin yanked the garments aside only to discover two little lovebirds huddled together underneath. One of the birds had gorgeous multi-hued plumage. The other’s feathers were dull and gray--and they were getting sparse atop his head. In spite of those superficial differences, the lovebirds were a match made in heaven. The birds chitter-chattered gaily and then, after a couple of experimental flaps, took flight.
The lovebirds’ first destination was Lutin. They swirled around his head and squawked angrily. The more colorful lovebird pecked a deep gouge in his nose. Try as he might, Lutin could not swat the pesky birds away. When they finished teaching Lutin a lesson, the lovebirds made a beeline for Gellie and Ubie. The birds fluttered back and forth between the sisters and showered them with gentle pecks on their cheeks.
When the birds took wing again, they hovered next to Rudyard’s ears and chattered gleefully about the happy roads they had traveled and where, perhaps, their paths might meet again.
Having said their farewells, the lovebirds made two full circuits of the Oval office before strafing Blowhard. Comically, one of the birds pooped in Blowhard’s coffee mug, which made the bloated germophobe furious.
Blowhard yowled, “Snowjob! What do I pay you for? Grab a gun and shoot those confounded birds.”
"Sir!" Snowjob bleated, “Yes, sir!” He dashed for the door, but as he opened it, the lovebirds seized the opportunity to chase him out the door.
As soon as the birds were good and gone, Lutin collected the watches and delivered them to Blowhard. The blob exulted in the heft and power of the watches. He chortled evilly, “Finally! The Infiniverse is mine. ALL MINE!!”
Ubie shook her head, “You are pathetic!”
“It’s hopeless,” Gellie frowned, “You can lead a buffoon to water, but he’ll still drink battery acid instead.”
Blowhard was too lost in his own fantasy to hear any of it. Swept away by delusions of grandeur, Blowhard gabbled, “So...all I have to do is to bring the One Watch into contact with Harrison's prototype, and…and...”
“Da,” Lutin slavered, “Zen ze yooniverze ees yooz.”
“Theoretically,” Rudyard qualified, “There’s also a quantro dynamical possibility that connecting the watches will create a singularity that destroys the entire Infiniverse.”
“So…” the blob blinked, “...I’ll either become the most powerful roach motel tycoon in the Infiniverse, or…”
“Or…” The PI painted a pretty picture, “...you’ll destroy everyone and everything in existence.”
“Hmm…” Blowhard weighed his options and concluded, “...I’d say It's worth the risk, wouldn’t you, Igor?”
“Da,” the rodent answered, “Ees feex.”
Blowhard brought the watches together, “Click…
...Kaboom…………………………..
...Kaaaaaa-rrruunncchh…………..
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………………….Rebooting…………………………….
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1.𝕆1
A corsair closed in on a remote island. Grubby swabs eyed the beach, while rats peered from their lairs. Landing parties assembled, received orders and, bristling with steel, swarmed into rowboats.
Alarmed by the strange vessel the islanders melted into the foliage.
Storm waves washed the rowboats ashore. Sailors leaped into the surf and, clashing and cursing, hauled their crafts onto the sand.
Through a spyglass, the skipper studied the brigands as they clustered landward of the boats. Lowering his glass, the captain issued a quiet command and then resumed observations.
A woman wearing a black unitard emerged from the foliage. She held her right hand high as if in a gesture of greeting. Eyeing the woman, the pirates drew their swords. At the same instant, ear-splitting explosions rent the air. Spouts of flame burst from the ship's cannons and shuddering impacts rocked the beach.
The woman did not flinch. She waited for the cannonfire to subside and then dropped her arm. In response, hellfire exploded from dozens of emplacements hidden in the foliage. The fusillade destroyed every weapon larger than a butter knife on the pirate ship. As the corsair’s masts toppled into the sea, the beached swabs eyed each other and tossed their weapons onto the sand.
As one, they fell to their knees and pleaded, “Please don’t hurt us! We come in peace!”
About the Author
William Shatspeare is famous throughout the Murky Way as the greatest Bard who's ever been beamed up by Scotty. When he's not taking names and kicking Romulan butts, Starbard likes to sip Saurian Brandy and thrash Commander Spork at 3D chess. In the coming jahrs, Starbard is planning to hang up his phraser so that he can compose his memoirs and settle scores with old friends from the Academy.
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